I recently wrote a book about the latter stages of drug addiction, before I got clean in 2007. It is creative nonfiction, a memoir, and it is my story. My story is full of struggle, perseverance, and hope. Overcoming adversity. My book demonstrates that there IS a solution to addiction, and my story is a testament to that fact. I overcame
I recently wrote a book about the latter stages of drug addiction, before I got clean in 2007. It is creative nonfiction, a memoir, and it is my story. My story is full of struggle, perseverance, and hope. Overcoming adversity. My book demonstrates that there IS a solution to addiction, and my story is a testament to that fact. I overcame it, and now I must pass the message on to others. If you are interested, please check it out on Amazon.
Readers and reviewers have compared my work to somewhere in the vein of George Orwell, William Kennedy, William S. Burroughs, Charles Bukowski, Henry Miller, and John Fante. I am a big Kerouac fan, and I have striven to recreate his writing style in my work.
More modern comparisons are Arielle Holmes and Hubert Selby Jr.
Disclaimer: This f
Readers and reviewers have compared my work to somewhere in the vein of George Orwell, William Kennedy, William S. Burroughs, Charles Bukowski, Henry Miller, and John Fante. I am a big Kerouac fan, and I have striven to recreate his writing style in my work.
More modern comparisons are Arielle Holmes and Hubert Selby Jr.
Disclaimer: This first installment, volume one, has explicit drug use. It is a memoir about a lifestyle not easily digested. It is heavy, with nothing held back. Presume that everything that can happen to an addict on the street will happen to you by reading.
Dive into the explosive, raw, and vulnerable story of a man’s search for sanity amid his increasing dependence on DXM (dextromethorphan), the active ingredient in Robitussin and other cough suppressant medications. In Volume One, you’ll enter the underbelly of York, PA as the narrator navigates the streets and his new normal.
Halfway throu
Dive into the explosive, raw, and vulnerable story of a man’s search for sanity amid his increasing dependence on DXM (dextromethorphan), the active ingredient in Robitussin and other cough suppressant medications. In Volume One, you’ll enter the underbelly of York, PA as the narrator navigates the streets and his new normal.
Halfway through 2007, Ryan Gray started to come to grips with his reality: the point where an addict senses his own futility, his own demise, but remains powerless to his own craving for a drug. As things get
worse and he sees his own doomed fate, it opens the door to full and complete morbidity—Hell on earth.
Before this point, Ryan begins his life on the street like many others. He was introduced to the lifestyle by a native of York, whom he met on his first night on the streets. Soon, a whole new world opens up to Ryan.
His new friend, an experienced addict who has already adapted to the lifestyle, is very connected in the dark, underground street life of York and knows which drugs can be bought from whom. As he freely shares his wealth of knowledge with Ryan, the men become like brothers—always found side by side.
Still, Ryan was staring down the barrel of a loaded gun and knew it. Will he come to terms?
Twilight in York: Volume One encompasses a narrative about immense
suffering of a variety known only to the addict, the junky, or the dope fiend. It is raw, real, and relatable.
The original manuscript, simply called "Twilight in York" (once a single-volume work), was over 600 pages long! To make it easier on the reader (and myself), I decided to shave about 150 pages and split the manuscript into two volumes. The second volume flows seamlessly from the first, together forming one work (what was once one book has
The original manuscript, simply called "Twilight in York" (once a single-volume work), was over 600 pages long! To make it easier on the reader (and myself), I decided to shave about 150 pages and split the manuscript into two volumes. The second volume flows seamlessly from the first, together forming one work (what was once one book has been partitioned and split in two (roughly).) Volume two is written, edited, proofread, and polished . . . ready to go! You can expect it to come out early 2025. It should tie off any loose ends and answer all or most of your questions from volume one.
Ryan Gray's sensual and precisely observed Twilight in York is an aspiring classic of American noir, reminiscent in mood of William Kennedy's down-and-out-in-Albany novels, reminiscent in style and tone of some more bitter and more street-wise Kerouac. You keep thinking you've misread the title, for all this desperation cannot possibly concentrate in little York, PA. It has to be some place bigger, darker, worse. But, no, every little town in America has its pockets of perdition, which can be alleviated some by sucking down a bottle of cough syrup. I don't like and don't usually choose this sort of book, but I liked THIS book, because it contains not only gray and sad truth, but also poetry. Poetry transfiguring all that dread.
-David Brendan Hopes, author of The Falls of the Wyona
Mental illness plus addiction easily lead to homelessness. The abject pain and disorientation of the living conditions that daily challenge the addicted unhoused population is juxtaposed with the absolute joy of reading such a well-written non-fiction. His words often lead like poetry, brazen and bare, not painting a picture, but excavating the myriad contours of the meanings and meanderings where life and emotions meet. Addiction and the unhoused population have exploded in the past 20 years, and this book gives us insight to the instability of the lifestyle, the uncertainty of finding a place to sleep each night, how to maintain the addiction while simultaneously working as a day laborer, and the loyalty of friends who bond amid life on the streets.
-Renee Robb-Cohen, Author
Twilight in York is a captivating blend of brutal honesty and unusual charm, a poignant memoir that chronicles the author's journey through the underbelly of York. With its gritty realism and unfiltered prose, it evokes the visceral rawness of Orwell's Down and Out in Paris and London, while its exploration of addiction and desperation echoes the unflinching honesty of Burroughs' Naked Lunch.
The author's narrative takes us on a descent into the depths of addiction and homelessness, painting a vivid picture of the city's forgotten corners and the struggles of those who inhabit them. It’s a rough ride, for sure, but one infused with surprising lyricism.
Despite the darkness that pervades the story, there are moments of genuine tenderness and connection that shine through the grime. The author's interactions with fellow addicts and the occasional glimpses of kindness amidst despair offer relief, a bit of hope, and an occasional touch of humor, reminding us of the resilience of the human spirit.
Twilight in York is a powerful and unflinching portrayal of life on the margins, a story that lingers long after the final page is turned. It is a testament to the author's strength and courage, and a reminder that even in the darkest of times, the search for light endures.
-Glenn Gray, English teacher
Those who know me know that I am an advocate of mental illness, and drug addiction is a mental illness. Drug addiction is rampant throughout our society, and I lost my brother to it, so this book hits home on a personally deep level. The further into the book, the more I wanted to scream for the author to seek help, knowing what drug use can lead to.
Ryan Gray does an excellent job of describing the need for drugs. The compulsion not to change and continue to get high even when he knows that they are making him ill. The other mental illness discussed is schizophrenia, one that society deems as scary and potentially violent. Ryan describes it as scary (not violent), though he does it eloquently, placing the reader in his mindset. Giving us a sense of fear in our minds that we couldn’t otherwise understand.
This is more than an autobiography. This is a reality that many face when mental illness is pushed to the edges of society. Too many think, ‘I want to help but not in my backyard,’ that those suffering are forced onto the streets and forgotten about instead of receiving the help that they need. Luckily, Ryan Gray is still here to share his story and help bring a voice to those who are still struggling.
Everyone who is of the age that they may be thinking about trying drugs should read this book. There is explicit content, but that adds to the importance of this message.
-Randi-Lee Bowslaugh, Author
Lots of insight
Thanks so much Tamara!
This guy was encouraging
Obliged to be a part of this powerful podcast
Thanks to Curtis for having me on his show!
Twilight in York: Volume One is the first in a two-volume, narrative nonfiction work. The first volume was published November 14, 2023 by a hybrid publisher called Palmetto Publishing.
The two volumes are based on the events of the latter half of 2007, when I was on and off the streets of York, Pennsylvania. These were the last days of my existence as an active addict, hence, the “twilight” period between drug use and recovery. I stayed in several halfway houses, had friends who were kind enough to let me sleep in their homes, and sometimes stayed at a nearby shelter. My drug of choice was dextromethorphan or “DXM.” Frequently broke, I would steal it from local drug stores and ingest it.
In volume one, I am introduced to street life by a young man native to York, whom I meet my first night on the streets. Soon, a whole world opens up. My new friend is experienced and has already adapted to what is for me a brand-new life. He is very connected and knows which drugs can be bought from whom. He freely shares of his relative wealth—he becomes like a brother to me. We are always together—up until the day I leave York in volume two.
There comes a point where an addict senses his own futility, his own demise, but remains powerless to his own craving for a drug. He knows the gravity of his problem, the certain ruin his path is surely leading him to, but he still cannot simply stop. As things get worse and he sees his own doomed fate, it opens the door to full and complete morbidity, despair—hell on earth.
Both volumes have a lot of explicit drug use—in the spirit of, say, Hunter S. Thompson. Hunter S. Thompson is another influence for his blurring the boundary between fiction and nonfiction. I tell a true story in first person, but while controlling my power as the narrator to fictionalize and contemplate, sometimes relating more than I could possibly know (about someone I have just met, for example). Thompson was a journalist, but he broke from more traditional journalism practices by inserting himself into the story and appealing to his own emotions. His perspective was thereby subjective and impressionistic. I draw from William S. Burroughs for his morbidity and, at times, monotony (especially with respect to temporary employment, realities of working conditions within the manufacturing industry, assembly-line mentality, and a disposable workforce). Also of note about Burroughs is his brutal honesty of the addict lifestyle. Wolfe for his pioneering autobiographical fiction. Doestevsky for psychological elements, satire of class structures, and realism. Steinbeck for moral decline of society. Orwell’s Down and Out in Paris and London is comparable, in that it gives a firsthand look at a time when unemployment and homelessness were rampant and all but commonplace. Bukowski for his alcoholism, inability to keep a job, and basic vagrancy that naturally follows. I do keep the autobiographical pact. But both volumes also point to a solution, which is realized at the end of volume two when I finally get clean. It is a story about immense suffering of a variety known only to the addict, the junky, the dope fiend.
The realities of the life of the drug addict are explained to the reader by one, through his (my) eyes. A beat enthusiast, I portray my closest friend in the novel as a modern Neal Cassady (with Kerouac as myself). I have worked to mimic Kerouac’s mastery of spontaneous prose and his passion. There is the appeal of city life, poverty, and a sense for Buddhism, which jives with the suffering and numbness associated with addiction to drugs and homelessness. With disharmony. The narrator pursues distortion of the senses and enhancement of creative faculties through drugs. Just as Kerouac wrote On the Road partly as a window into the beat lifestyle, my memoir-esque, narrative nonfiction book portrays street life and homelessness the way a small group of young adults lived it and saw it. Poverty. It explores the insides of halfway houses, some better than others. It even covers the travesties of cheaply hired, temporary labor. It addresses the stigmas of both addiction and homelessness.
What happened to the beat generation? Simply a group of people, lost in the maelstrom of great literary success. Yet we see their impact on present society. Today we have modern day equivalents, such as Mad Love in New York City, made into a film (Heaven Knows What), Bukowski, Steve Roggebuck. Tom Waits. My work Twilight in York is the window into an underground society often marginalized and ignored, a society of addicts living their day-to-day lives on the street. A society swept under the carpet, not taken seriously. Yet we have our own argot and dialect, our own music, our own lifestyle . . . does that not amount to—and meet the criteria with which to be considered—“culture”?
But throughout the book, there is the continually reinforced notion that the life of the drug addict is the worst life can be imagined, incredibly painful (both emotionally and physically)—a legitimate kind of hell. It never takes a break from this. Drawn from memory, I was a young man living a tortured life, always struggling. My heart was thrown into a contorted, tormented state as I noticed the effects of my drug abuse on myself and others. This corruption and inability to stop was all from the complete duress of a raging, explosive addiction to drugs. The human will falls so far short of affecting this problem, this compulsion, so ineffective as to remain hardly touched at all. The result is a state of conflict in a person where one impulse (to use) majorly contradicts the other (to live without drugs). The two impulses wrestle, and the former usually wins. This inefficacy to approach the problem is further demonstrated in the futility of the efforts of parents and administrators. The person who steps in to help has to be an addict himself. I am attempting to be that person for many as the author of this book; anyone not a part of the game (parents, responsible friends) are promptly ignored by the addict and the alcoholic. The book is very dark and its components potent beyond normal imagining. I still have guilt to this day.
At the end of the second volume, my biological brother and mother drive up from Baltimore to pick me up and take me to rehab. The morning of the day they pick me up, I get high for the very last time. I managed to stay away from alcohol and substances since then. That was in 2007.
My intended audience includes the homeless, fellow addicts and alcoholics, family of addicts and alcoholics (common interest), beat generation fans, and street rats and hip-hop fans. Parents have asked me in desperation what to do about their children who use and drink. Addicts may not agree with the message, but they will identify with the lifestyle and culture. Homelessness is a lesser understood phenomenon, and I have had peer editors tell me of the knowledge they gained about homelessness by reading my book, acknowledging how hard it is.
A lot of books have been written on the subject (by authors such as John Eddy, David Poses, and Timothy Ryan). I found that most memoirs that entertain drug addiction fall under two categories: ones that end with a rather clichéd, happy ending (“telling my story” kind of thing), and those that talk about using drugs in all its degradation and misery but do not bother with a solution (“Requiem for a Dream,” “Naked Lunch,” or “Junky,” for example). I think there is more power in the latter approach because the message is undeniable and the same at every instance and variation—do not use drugs because this is what will become of you. THIS is the harsh, inexorable reality. Naked Lunch is a good (old, but good) book comparison because it portrays the life of a junky on the street as the junky sees it. BISAC codes for the book include “self-help” but it is also a literary accomplishment—a work of art. I take pride in the lyrical, raw detail and aesthetic vicissitudes of my work.
Really I have written a literary piece in the classic sense, but I am hoping too that it will help and change those who want help.
Word count for volume one: 62,500. Volume two: 64,000.
You can send me a message or ask me a general question through my email: rgray@alumni.unca.edu
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I will do my best to get back to you soon!
223 Appledoorn Circle, Asheville, North Carolina 28803, United States
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